Head Nor Tail
by XIIIAnonymous
Summary: Shizuo briefly entertained the idea that his bartender clothes directly affected the universe. Slightly cracky, fill for kink meme. ShizuoxPrettyMuchEveryone


Heiwajima Shizuo was not a happy man. However, he was pretty damn sure he had the right to be, because hell, he was half an hour late for work. The reason?

Simple. After one too many fights with Izaya, the inevitable had occurred; all of his bartender outfits, the clothes that Kasuka had bought for him years ago, were either shredded to bits, torn at the seams, or simply too dirtied to wear anywhere ever again. That same combination of black vest, black bowtie, black pants, and a white dress shirt had become a bit of a trademark for Shizuo. Both they and the other trait for which he was well known for, his monstrous strength, could be seen and recognized from a good distance away. Shizuo had come to rely on his clothes as a sort of initial warning to any who aimed to antagonize him. Now, without them, he wondered just how many more heads would roll.

Kasuka. How would he tell Kasuka that he'd ruined them all? Eyebrows furrowed in irritation. Feeling immeasurably guilty, the ex-bartender struggled to find something else to wear to work, mentally planning his apology to Tom.

...but was it just him, or were these jeans a little on the snug side?

It made sense if it was true, seeing as he hadn't worn 'normal' clothes in such a long time and there was a high possibility that he'd grown a little. Shizuo left the dark blue pants on and dug through his drawers for a shirt, yanking out the first shirt he came to. He scrutinized it carefully and then glanced at his watch. It was long-sleeved and a shade of red that vaguely reminded him of Izaya, but it'd have to do. He tugged it on haphazardly, straightening out the article of clothing out afterwards. Shizuo looked down at himself with a frown, thinking that maybe this wasn't the most professional outfit to wear to work- but it wasn't like he had anything else.

It was time to face Ikebukuro. He was late enough as it was. The blonde made sure to lock the door behind him and then headed off.

:

"The way she looked at me, man, I knew she was smitten. Who wouldn't be, right? Girls just love me! Ah, but she ran off after that; I'm guessing I scared her with my sexy looks. Too bad!"

Mikado and Anri exchanged an exasperated glance. When Masaomi had invited them out to eat with him, they hadn't expected to serve as his personal audience for who-knew-how long. It was still nice sitting at the outdoor cafe, though: the air was just the right temperature, the streets were bustling as always, there was a blonde man walking up the road, and-

Abruptly, each of their trains of thought screeched to a halt. Was that...?

"Guys? Guys, what are you staring at? Hello?" Masaomi frowned, sensing at last that he'd lost his friends' attention. He followed Mikado and Anri's gaze until he found what they were looking at. "Is that Heiwajima Shizuo? C'mon, he won't attack us, no need to be afraid! That's weird though, he's not wearing his normal clothes..." Suddenly, even as the words left his lips, his stare moved down, locking on to Shizuo's backside. Masaomi sucked in a breath softly. "Damn, but I never noticed that he had such a-"

:

"-nice ass!" called a voice from behind Shizuo, raucous laughter breaking out.

Shizuo was terribly, terribly confused. Hadn't he just beaten up that guy yesterday...? And now he was commenting on his...his...

The blonde twisted around, ready to tell him off. Just because he was confused didn't mean he wasn't aware that when someone made a statement like that, you made sure they knew you wouldn't stand for it.

However, it seemed that he wouldn't have to do a thing. "Dude...is that Heiwajima Shizuo? Dude, you just complimented Heiwajima Shizuo's ass!"

"Dude!" Footsteps hightailed it as fast as possible away from the public menace. "Dude! But did you see it?"

"Dude!"

All Shizuo could do was watch them go, displaying an oddly dumbstruck demeanor. Hopefully at least Tom would be acting like he usually did. No one else was.

:

Of course, Shizuo's hopes were dashed against the rocks.

"You sure you're not sick...?"

Tom tilted his slightly flushed face in the opposite direction, pushing up his glasses nervously and changing directions to lead the pair down another street. "I'm perfectly fine, don't worry about it." His eyes flicked down to Shizuo's rear again, just once, just to see-

"But your face is all red," Shizuo insisted.

Tom cleared his throat quickly and focused on other things. The situation could have become awkward, if not for the debt collector's severe amount of self-control. "You're right. I think I'll just go home early today. You can have off if you want to."

Blinking, Shizuo didn't complain. "Okay. Go home and get some rest."

"Thanks for your concern," Tom said, and promptly took his leave, sending a forced smile back over his shoulder.

Shizuo didn't like this at all; he went one day without wearing his normal clothes, and everything just got weird! Next thing he knew, the flea would be coming out to confess his love for him or some crazy shit like that-

Just in case, the blonde checked around. Thankfully there were no men under the name Orihara Izaya in the vicinity.

Now the main issue at hand was to decide what to do with the rest of his day. He finally resigned to wandering aimlessly around the city, making sure to keep out of the way so that nothing like the incident with those two idiots before happened again. Still, he couldn't stay out of the sight of everyone- Simon had stopped him to tell him to buy sushi so that he could eat something as good as he looked (really, the guy's advertising skills were getting worse). He'd also been met with a flailing Celty, speeding off as soon as she'd let him know that he looked really nice today.

Were his clothing choices that bad that they scared everyone away and caused them to make bad jokes about him? Shizuo just didn't understand.

:

"Stop the van!" screamed Erika frantically. Kadota swerved slightly before obeying the shouted instruction.

"Jesus, you scared the crap outta me! What is it now?"

"Look," the otaku breathed, eyes literally sparkling, "at _that._"

All eyes in the vehicle searched, surveying up and down the road.

"I don't see it," Walker finally said. Erika huffed impatiently.

"It's Shizu-Shizu! Right there!" She pointed.

Togusa, in the passenger seat, followed her indicating digit. "What? Yeah, he's not wearing his usual getup, big deal."

"You're not looking in the right place! Look down!"

Kadota was the first out of the three men to finally get it. The others watched as a slow flush rose upon his cheeks, and he cleared his throat, glancing away quickly.

"See, Dotachin? Ahh, I always thought Shizu-Shizu was a pitcher, but I'm not so sure now! With an ass like that, no seme would be able to resist him!"

"Hah?" squawked Togusa. "Is that what this is all about?" He neglected to mention that he was now openly staring at Shizuo's rear end as well. Walker was abnormally quiet in the backseat, gazing out of the window at the man, who was getting further and further away.

"What an interesting development! I wonder what Iza-Iza will think about this?"

:

Shizuo was utterly befuddled. He supposed it was good that no one had come up to attack him, but it was somehow even more unnerving to have eyes constantly on him with no remarks or jibes, except for the ones he got on his _ass_ of all things. Was everyone really that bent on calling attention to it? It was probably because it looked bad, or something like that. Shizuo briefly entertained the idea that his bartender clothes directly affected the universe.

It was while he was pondering this that he realized he'd somehow ended up walking down a rather deserted alleyway. Well, it didn't matter anyways; no one would dare jump him, no one besides-

"Ehhhh? Even this part of Shizu-chan is inhuman!"

The blonde's eye twitched.

That voice _definitely_ belonged to Izaya, and if that wasn't enough to make Shizuo angry, the informant's _hand was on his ass and was he groping him what the fuck was he doing?_

"Flea..." he growled threateningly, jerking away. "Did you come here to get me to wring your neck, or what?"

"Oh, how scary!" Izaya laughed, derisive as always. "I merely heard about Shizu-chan's outfit change and came to check it out for myself, that's all. No need to be violent about it, hmm?"

"You groped my ass, you bastard!" Shizuo roared, and dove for him. However, he was unused to wearing jeans, and it slowed his movements slightly, allowing for Izaya to step out of the way without any split-second reactions. The wall behind him crumbled.

Leering, Izaya inexplicably held a phone in his hand. He put it up to his ear, dial tone sounding, before Shizuo could recognize that it was _his_ phone, _what?_

"Hello? Is this Hanejima Yuuhei-san?"

Shizuo saw red.

"Excuse me, but this is Orihara Izaya. I trust you're doing well today?" Izaya sounded so damn polite on the phone, even while he was dodging Shizuo's hits smoothly. "Good to hear! Ah, but the reason I called was to inform you that, well, your brother has discovered the merits of wearing slightly tight jeans! And so, since he would never ask you to do such a thing, would you mind sending him a few pairs? I'm sure he'd be really grateful!" A pause. "Alright, Yuuhei-san! Thank you for your time!"

Shizuo had to think fast as his cell was tossed back at him; he scrambled to get a good grasp on it before returning his attention to Izaya- but the flea was already gone, chuckles echoing back through the alley.

The next day, when a rather large box showed up on his doorstep, Shizuo determined that it was probably the right time to find a hobby.

:::::

So, uh…guess who had way too much fun writing this. D: Prompt was "Shizuo runs out of bartender outfits (due to them being ruined all the time)." An anon commented that everyone should suddenly notice that he has a really nice ass, and well, my love for crack wouldn't let me leave it alone. xD

Thank you for reading~.


End file.
